I had a meltdown today at the gym. I really don't know why. I think it was a pitty party for myself. Today was the 5th session I've had. This is really hard work and in my head I kept thinking -- why is everything so hard? It was a struggle to finish school, but ultimately I got there. It was a struggle in my marriage and ultimately it ended, the divorce was a huge struggle but ultimately I got the lions share of things in my children, life with the ex is STILL a struggle- but overall we don't have to deal with him often. Most times I see the glass half full, but today while sweating my ass off and feeling weak, I just kept thinking "Why is it all so hard?" And then the tears started -- which I HATE because it made me feel weaker, especially when it's in front of people who don't really know me.
For 8 years I hunkered down and tolerated WAY more that i should have. Even if I fought back, I lost, so I didn't fight back. Instead I "handled" it. Instead of getting out, I shoved it all inside and made myself stick it out and continue to try. I tell myself it was for the sake of my kids, and it partially was, but really it was because I didn't want to fail at it. I DON'T FAIL -- so how could I fail at one of the biggest things in my life? Instead of letting stress out productively, I gained weight. Over the course of my almost 10 year marriage I gained 100 pounds. That was my weight my senior year of high school. I gained an entire high school senior! And the thing is -- I feel like I worked so hard at keeping the peace, and keeping my kids safe and sane through all of that.
After all that, I had to work at healing and so did the kids. And we are happy -- we really are. We have a great life and I can't complain. But today -- I just kept thinking -- it's not fair -- here I am -- having to work so hard again just to feel normal (physically) and get back to myself. I have to find time out of my crazy days -- instead of a lunch break (which should be time away from work) I'm at the gym, working, so that I can go back to work afterwards and work some more -- until work is finished and then I have to do mom work...
Normally this is OK with me. I actually enjoy it all usually. Today though (and I'm not even PMSing) it just seemed overwhelming. So it's time for me to be still and listen for the lesson in all of this. To reset and come back stronger ... I know this is the rain before the rainbow...
on a good note, I'm down 11 pounds at the two week mark
11 pounds in two weeks is amazing! Well done!
ReplyDeleteI can understand all these feelings you have. Of course, I think you are being too hard on yourself. Life is not about being perfect. Here is your opportunity to improve your health and you are doing it! The fact that it is hard, is because you are reaching towards that challenge. Easy means not challenging yourself.
I've been meaning to tell you that you have inspired me to make the same changes. For that, I am grateful. I'm looking at my own health and making changes, because your words and experience resonate with me. They remind me to take care of myself.
Love you much! You're doing great!