He knows my name

A few days ago I talked about my need to give up control and be still, to give my worries over to God and let him help me with the issues surrounding the girls and their Dad.  It is amazing the peace that comes from this mindset and these realizations that it's not for ME to power through, not for ME to try to deal with on my own.  Putting this into practice is really hard for me, but it's becoming easier.  And this lesson that I had to learn in that area, has started to grow into other areas I have been stressing about.  Over and over again during my reading and studying, I have come across verses that jump out ad re-inforce this.  Isaiah 45:2-3 says:

I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron.  I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. 

I have been blessed with amazing people in my life -- friends and family that KNOW me in ways that help them offer me advice or encouragement in a way that can only be offered by the closest of people.  When I think that God knows me a thousand times better than those closest to me -- he calls me to him by name --  how can I not rely on that?  How can I not trust that he will go before me, knowing what I will face, and hide secret treasures in my life that give me the strength and courage to not only survive it, but to flourish.  And looking through my life -- I know it's true.  I have uncovered and discover things at just the right moments.  

Holguin Family Portraits

I've got my eye(s) on You!

It is super hard for me to give up control, or moreover, what I perceive as my control on things.  I am finding myself in a situation where I have no earthy idea what to do.  None what-so-ever.  It involves my kids, and their dad, and the choices he makes.  I won't share the details publicly like this, but lets just say -- my kids are hurting over it.  They are continuously disappointed and hurt and feel inadequate because of situations that arise when they are with him.   I feel like I have exhausted myself trying to make it better for them but ultimately it's beyond my control.  I can control the way I respond to situations, and I can help them try to deal with their own feelings about these situations.  Seeds of anger are planted in them and that is so poisonous and dangerous.  I do not want anger rooting itself in their innocent hearts like this, especially against someone they love so much.  I need to find ways to help them.  I'm torn between bringing too much focus to the issue and not enough focus.
  

Ultimately, God is asking me to give up my control and rely on him to get us through this.  I know he is.  I was unable to sleep last night.  I tossed and turned about it.   This morning I woke up and worked out and then set off to write a post about a funny thing that happened when I was finally falling asleep.  As I logged in a post from a friend jumped out in my blog reading list and so I went to read it.  I didn't actually end up reading that post because the one below it struck me so suddenly.  The words that jumped off her page were this:

• For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us.  We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you. (2 Chronicles 20:12)
• The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  (Exodus 14:14) 
• Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”   (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I opened my Bible, read more of 2 Chronicles 20 and then mulled this over for a bit.  

Then had the following conversation...

me: Lord, I know you are trying to tell me this but Duh -- I know this.  I have to rely on you.  AND I HAVE! I have come to you with this same issue over and over and over again throughout these last four years.

God: ... <silence> ...
     (sidenote: I sometimes imagine God like a parent listening to his 
      child ramble... trying to talk her way out of trouble ... waiting for 
      her to come to the right conclusion)

me: I mean really -- I pray about this a lot. (I mentally went over my repeated phrases that have become so familiar: Lord please help me to make the right choices for the girls with this.  Help me to help them with their anger, give me the right words to say when they are so hurt.  Please give me the strength not to be angry myself.  Please give us the peace that surpasses all understanding... blah blah blah...) you KNOW God.

God:  ... <waiting> ...

me: I just DO NOT know what to do next to make it better. What am I supposed to do???

God:  ... <still waiting> ...

And in that moment I realized that I am constantly asking for help with the actions I've already decided to take, I think.  When I pray, I have made up my mind on the course of action I think might by right and then I pray for help or guidance or wisdom with those actions.  Or I pray for strength to "react" the way that is best for the girls, but I have never truly surrendered this to him.  Not ever... 

I am always praying for God to reveal ways for me to teach the girls to live faith.  Just maybe this is my big chance to really live my faith in front of them and SHOW them.  So, I'm surrendering this to him.  My eyes are on You, Lord.   

Telling myself "no".

First let me start by saying I HAVE to lose at least 30 pounds for my health.  This is a mandate from my doc due to recent health issues.  And even if that was not mandated -- seriously -- it's pretty obvious.

My kids hear the word No from me several times a day. "Mom, can I have this candy?  Mom, can I work on the computer 5 minutes longer?  Mom, can I just skip shower tonight and shower in the morning? Mom, can we have a friend come over [even though our room isn't clean]?"

The answer to all these questions is almost ALWAYS no.  It's not that those things are bad things... they could easily get a "yes", but the fact of the matter is, I have set rules and they need to learn dicipline.  I'm reminded of the scripture 1 Corinthians 10:23 - "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive.  The girls are learning that they cannothave everything they want, even if it's possible.  I grew up with strict parents and I'm pretty strict myself...

So today I started to think about how many times I actually tell myself "No."  Financially, I'm totally able to do this.  No Ronnie, you don't need a manicure and pedicure or your brows waxed -- you need to get school clothes for the girls this month."  That makes sense to me and I don't have issues with that.  That is concrete -- there is only so much money in a pay cycle so even if I wanted to say "yes" to those things, it's permissable, but definitley not beneficial sometimes.

But when I examine my self-discipline when it comes to my health & nutrition I cannot  seem to tell myself "no".  I am having serious acid reflux issues.  So bad they actually had me do a sonogram to see if it was my galbladder.  It's pretty severe.  I'm also on the verge of becoming diabetic.  Diabetes runs DEEP on both sides of my family.  Yet I have a hard time sacrificing acidic food (most of my favorite food is acidic) and sugar.  Pasta and bread -- I am SO weak!  And spicy -- I cannot get my food spicy enough -- I love salsa so much I could eat it with a spoon just by itself.  And these are things I should seriously limit.  They are things that could cause my body severe damage.  Why is it so easy to let the word "no" roll off my tongue to teach dicipline to the kids -- yet I cannot say this word to myself???  My health should be something I take seriously!

I went in search of techniques I could use to help me with this.  I grew up in a holistic household -- chiropractor dad, hypnotherapist mom -- There has to be a way I can hypnotise myself into loving to have vegetables all the time and have wonderful portion control.  There has to be a way to gain self-control right?  So, I'm enlisting my mom's help of course, and I'm going to do some "tapping" to help... but ultimately, it's time I ask God for help.  I ask God for his help in so many aspects of my life.  I just disn't think I should bother him with this... but i have come to realize that this is important stuff -- In  Galatians 5:22-23 it says "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."    Self control is a fruit, or gift, from the holy spirit... So -- I'm going to start telling myself no and re-learning to discipline myself. 

Wish me luck!

Finding my way back

It has been a long time since I have posted here.  We seem to be on the down side of this rollercoaster hill for now.  the ups and downs, the crazy busy times and the quiet lulls (not so many of those lulls).  Things are settling down for us more as we get used to the new routines that came our way this year.

When I first moved to San Antonio with the kids in Dec. 2006, I was at the start of a long divorce and custody fight.  I worked from home as a software engineer, and spent time volunteering a the girls school when I could.  Olivia was in Kinder and Jacinta was in 4k (pre-K) at a small catholic school.

The following year, (2007-2008) when Olivia was in 1st grade, and Jacinta was in Kinder, they joined the school's pep squad.  The fact that I worked from home, doing a job I knew like the back of my hand (I'd been with them for 8 years) allowed me some flexibility to take on a part time 2nd job, so in August of 2007, I began coaching gymnastics at the school for the pep quad, cheer, and dance teams in the evenings.  We spent a lot of time at the school.

In August of 2008, I stopped coaching gymnastics to take on teaching at the school part time for the 2008-2009 school year.  I became the general music teacher for 4th - 8th grade, and the technology teacher for 4th-6th grades.  The school worked around my work schedule and so I taught classes in the mornings before my work started, and then a couple of days a week I taught a 45 minute class over my lunch break.  That first year was really hard teaching two subjects and planning plus working full time as a programmer.  But, it made me realize I LOVE teaching and I LOVE exposing kids to new things they might not normally be exposed to.  The girls continued to be involved in cheer/pep squad throughout this time and Liv was in 2nd and Jacinta was in 1st grade.  During that year, the sponsor of their squad left the school so I became the new sponsor of the pep squad, helping coach in the evenings.

The next year, in June of 2009, I left my department of almost 10 years, and moved to a new department (within the same company).  I began testing a new software product that I had never worked with before and so I became immersed in learning at my full time job again.  I decided that that was REALLY hard to teach two subjects and work full time programming/testing AND coach.  While I loved all these things, it was really hard on us all.   By this time (2009-2010), Liv was in 3rd grade and Jacinta was in 2nd.  We decided it was time to try a new things and a new school for the girls.  With the new job we needed more time at home and so, girls went from Catholic school to the public school down the street from our house and picked a new extra curricular activity that was less time consuming.  But, I really loved teaching and the extra income was really helpful so that year, I continued teaching at the catholic school but modified my schedule and stopped doing other activities so that we could spend more family time together and the kids could try other things.  I just taught technology for 4th grade - 8th graders -- Teaching each grade for an hour once a week either on my lunch break or early in the morning before school started.  I also helped with the music for the school masses that year with my brother Marc.  The girls were in karate and girl scouts.

In 2010, After about 6 months in my new department, I went from testing to a different lead role and it took up a lot more time.  I only had time to just concentrate on teaching technology.  I cut back on the volunteering (music and other extras) but we added third grade technology and once a month I also did robotics club after school which was super fun.  Olivia began soccer and Jacinta did Folklorico.
This year was the most calm but as my role at IBM grew, so did the feeling that my time teaching was coming to an end.  At the end of the 2010-2011 school year, I did not sign a contract to come back to teach. 

Overall I spent 4 years teaching.  It was a job that started out of necessity -- it was necessary to be close to my kids and necessary to help with the monumental cost of a custody fight and divorce that lasted 1 year, one month and one day -- and totaled more than twice the full price of my vehicle.  That said, the job that began out of necessity became one I loved and continued to do, even after it stopped being "necessary".   OR, maybe it was necessary for other reasons -- maybe it was necessary for me to devote time to others.  It helped me to understand that what we went through was only a small piece of a much larger picture -- a small low point in a series of hills and valleys on our journey through life.  I was surrounded by teachers and the sisters of Mary Help of Christians who prayed for me daily and who I prayed for daily.  The kids and I made amazing friends that will be in our lives forever, no matter where we are.  I was surrounded by children who were such strong examples of faith that even though they were young, they inspired me -- and my family-- to be more and do more.  My children, instead of focusing on what they were losing (throughout the divorce and the healing time after), they focused on being good students, being good friends, and focused on being gracious and grateful for the many blessings.  We learned how to lean on faith and friends and family and we learned to be that for others.  

This school year (2011-2012) I will not be teaching.  Because I have more responsibility in my full time job, and because the girls and Richard need more of my time,  I will just mentor in the evenings once a month for Robotics club at the school.  I'm sad and I feel a sense of loss, but I'm also excited to have more time for my family and more time to grow my career in the right direction.  I'm excited to see what this new year holds.  Jacinta will be in 4th and Liv will be in 5th -- her last year of elementary.  Jacinta will be in dance and Olivia will do soccer again for her 3rd season.  We're entering a whole new world for the girls -- a world of puberty and bras and wanting to talk to friends on the phone all the time -- I'm excited for them and excited for me.  Changes in my relationship with Richard are near and we're excited about the future.  Wish us luck and please keep us in prayer as we prepare for this new school year!